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Noah's Ark

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people,and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. I am ordering you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Ok", said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping, and there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems!"

"First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans did not meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting the trees, to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

But, they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark with out filing an environmental impact statement on your propsed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."

"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, " Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No" said the Lord sadly, "Government already has..."

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